“Just Be Yourself” is wonderful Founder advice 6% of the time
In startups, authenticity is valuable, but unfiltered honesty can be nuclear. The idea of being our authentic selves sounds great, but it assumes that what comes out of our mouths doesn’t carry serious consequences. When we are responsible for people, money, and reputation, being ourselves without a filter can destroy everything we have built.
This isn't a knock on who we are as people. It is a reminder that no matter who we are, we have a responsibility to apply a filter, and the less we understand that responsibility, the more it will cost us.
### We Don’t Get to Say What’s in Our Head
I’ve always mused that if I said every thought that crossed my mind, I would have zero friends or employees. That’s not because I'm riddled with evil thoughts. It’s because I have to consider how my “authentic thoughts” may not necessarily land the way I think they should.
One of my favorite things to watch people say is “You look tired” (which I have heard for the past three decades). That is probably an empathetic gesture. They may be concerned about my welfare. But I process that as “You look like shit!” How our words are intended and how they are absorbed has a massive magnifying glass when it is coming from the Founder.
Being a Founder comes with a permanent filter. We might think we are just speaking our truth, but what we are really doing is offloading emotional reactions onto people who cannot afford to absorb them. The startup world does not reward raw emotion. It punishes it.
Maturity as leaders is not about being fake. It is about being disciplined. We can think what we want, but we do not get to say everything we think.
### Different Versions of Us Can Coexist
Some of us bring our home selves to work. Others put on a polished work self. Both are valid.
It is not inauthentic to act differently at work. It is professional. Our spouses do not need our CEO voices, and our teams do not need our unfiltered frustration. The goal is not to be the truest version of ourselves everywhere. It is to be the most effective version of ourselves where it matters.
This is not about being dishonest. It is about being intentional. The intentional version of ourselves knows that we can have five different answers to a question, but we use the version that will generate the best outcome without being patently dishonest.
It is like when a little kid asks, “Can I be President when I grow up?” The honest answer is, “Absolutely not. There’s a 99.9999997% chance you will not become President.” Sure, that is honest, but why crush their hopes and dreams? An intentional Founder (or parent) would say, “It’s possible if you work hard.” In order to drive toward a better outcome.
### Authenticity Has Its Place, But It Is Rare
There are moments when being fully ourselves does matter. A hard conversation with a co-founder. A personal story that builds trust. A public statement that reflects our values. But those moments are rare and we have to realize that just because it's applicable in one place, doesn't mean it's applicable in another.
Most of the time, being ourselves is not brave. It is lazy. It is choosing comfort over impact. It's ignoring the consequence not only to ourselves but to the people around us. Many of us haven't been leaders at the level a Founder is expected to, so we tend to translate our personal selves (and what worked in the past) to this new role. It's not the same.
In my head every time I "make words" as it relates to my company, I run the filter "Will the outcome for everyone be better when I'm done talking?" Usually the answer is a resounding "Hell no!" Do I apply that filter every time? Oof.. not nearly as much as I wish I did. But every time I do, I'm always appreciative for using it.
### The Real Lesson
We are not being fake when we filter ourselves. We are being responsible.
The job of a Founder is not to express everything that is inside of us. It is to manage what gets out and when. Authenticity without awareness is chaos.
So yes, we should be ourselves — 6% of the time. The other 96% of the time — let's be a responsible Founder!
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